For some reason I woke up this morning with a desire to skim through my unsorted picture box. It quickly became a trip down memory lane. I basically ended up ignoring anything post Hawaii. Picking through my years there I kept coming up with pictures that jumped out at me. Pictures that had vivid memories attached to them, almost like watching a movie. And with each of them I kept remembering how I felt I was on top of the world, I felt like I was at my ultimate there, like I was as smart or as big or as happy as i'd ever be at that particular moment. I can't help but marvel at my utter innocence and child like faith in myself and my world. In particular I keep coming back to the idea that I knew i'd be living in Hawaii the rest of my life. It was all I remembered, all that i'd ever known and really cared for. It was my home and my love. It didn't matter if some other place was bigger or had more cool stuff, it could never replace Hawaii. And in a way thats still true. Hawaii is the golden paradise of my childhood and no matter how many times I go back there now and see it for what it really is, a crowded tourist trap, it will never wipe out my childhood love of the islands, but it will seperate me. And that pains me becuase now I know i'll never be able to enjoy it like I could back then. The love is still there but reality has risen up and built a wall around that love made of the harsh stuff that reality is. I've become jaded, of maybe its just enlightened. Whatever it is it has shut me off from regaining my lost golden paradise. And while i'm perfectly content with my life and home as it is I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have the golden paradise back again. If I had never moved would I still feel the same? I doubt it. It's questions like these that keep me coming back to my pictures. Questions like these that make me treasure that special time all the more.
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