The Days Just Fill Up...

I've gone from empty weeks to pressed for time on all fronts in just under a weekend. My life is re-accelerating back to normal life levels. My class starts tomorrow, today was my first day at my new job(got a front end job at Target), and friends are disappearing back to college. Maybe i'm just not used to it since its been so long, but i'm not liking how this is working out so far. Its probably just cause i've been so lax lately. I'm resigning myself to hard workouts in class, long hours at work, and less social interaction with friends. But at the same time i'll be getting in better shape, making money, and meeting new people. Suddenly i'm reminded of a certain kiddy song... "I don't wanna grow up, i'm a blah blah you know the rest."

Dazed and Confused...

It feels like i've got a drunkard pulling my emotional strings at the moment. I don't think he knows what he's doing and I'm sure in no state to really deal with him at the moment. Right now all I can tell you is that his driving sucks and that i'm taking away his license if I ever manage to get him to stop. No more updates for a while; Not until I get my problems sorted out into something I can handle. Until then if you see a guy alternately crying his eyes out, cursing up a storm, and looking off into space in a daze, driving a 1984 clunker with oregon plates...please shoot out his tires and report him to the police. It would be much appreciated.

Current Music: Its All Been Done, Barenaked Ladies

In Rhapsody...

A little of what i'm feeling right now...

You...

You...

You...

are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you...
Without you...
-Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

...If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I?
When you won't take it from me

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way...
- Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac

It's too late to cry I love you.
The wind still blowing, my heart still aching

One side of my eyes see tomorrow,
And the other one see yesterday
I hope I could sleep in the cradle of your love, again

Cry for me, somebody, with dry eyes

The real folk blues
I just want to feel a real sorrow
It's not a bad life in the muddy river
If life is once

Hopeless hope, and the chance with traps
What is right, or wrong
It's like both sides of a coin

How long I must live till I release?

The real folk blues
I just want to feel a real pleasure
All that glitters is not gold
-The Real Folk Blues, Cowboy Bebop

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace...
-Beautiful Day, U2

...Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,
I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...
-Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

...Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
to get me to you

I had your number quite some time ago
Back when we were one
But I had to grow

Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now
Gotta get to you
Won't you tell me how

Call me, Call me
Let me know you are there
Call me, call me
I wanna know you still care
Come on now won't you
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
Reasons for living my life
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to know you
Peace of mind
what can I do
to get me to you...
-Call Me Call Me, Cowboy Bebop

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you...

...There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way...
-Everything I do, I do it for You, Bryan Adams

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference...
-Gotta Knock a Little Harder, Kanno Yoko

Untitled Sadness...(Impractical)

First of all i'd like to direct your attention back to my August 4th post titled "Out of Left Field". That should get you into the basic mind frame for the rest of this post...

Actually...I don't know where to start. I wrote a paragraph but then scrapped it. Then another couple lines. Those got scrapped too. Amazing what emotional shock will do to your writing abilites.

I'm not up for this tonight. I'm gonna turn on the melancholy music, close my eyes, and let the tears come. When I have it more together i'll let it out in writing.

Current Music: Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

Obligitory 9/11 Post...

I felt I needed to update and since its the 11th of september it gave me a perfect reason to spout words and stuff. Its hard to believe its been four years since the towers went down. I remember every detail of that morning. How I found out, how school was that day, etc. My generation finally has something along the same lines as Pearl Harbor to recall. I'm sure i'll start many a story like so... "I remember it like it was yesterday..." We'll be asked by kids and grandkids, if they bother to remember, and i'll be able to recount for them my little piece of significant history. I think I was kind of envious of those older folks who could recount where they were when Pearl was bombed or when they dropped the first A-bomb. It links them to history in a way nothing else can. Anyway...I'm babbling.

I played some great games of bowling last night, 4 in fact. Beat my competition every time. They put up a good fight though. But in so doing I missed the US opening of Naruto. For those of you who don't know its gonna be the new big thing in the american anime world. Think DBZ or Inu Yasha popularity. Thats how big its gonna get. Luckily I had someone tape it for me.

I'd also like to send a shout out to a couple of friends who've had birthdays or are about to have them. Two of them are in SOCAL and are probably raiding disneyland as I write. The other is probably still sleeping off his late night some where in Oregon City. Happy Birthday to all of you, even if you wish you weren't a year older.

My Conversation With Me...

Been a busy weekend for me. Between friends coming up from cali and a civil war weekend I can barely keep from sinking back into a dark corner and getting some 'me' time in. The social batteries need a serious recharge after the last couple of days. Probably would have been even more drained if I'd put forth the effort to get downtown for the last day of our local Anime convention. I did that last year but chose not to do it again because, like last time, I would have only caught the tail end of it. That and I have no money to spare for the admission or the loads of stuff i'd want to buy. Ah the life of a jobless college kid.

I really need to find something to take pride in. I've got a list. I already write, re-enact, and...um. Well I guess I take pride in my girlfriend too but I don't work on her the same way I work on the others. I need something to build or put energy in to. I've thought about taking up plastic modeling again but it needs to be something larger. A job would fill that nitch quite well but I haven't put nearly enough energy into getting one. I've tried kinda half heartedly. I'm almost scared of getting one I think. A job would mean responsiblity and things like that. I want one but don't...argh...I don't know what i'm saying any more. I'm kinda writing this off the hip. No forethought here. I'd rather put my energy into school but I can't do that because right now i'm limited to only a few credits because I personally have to pay for the classes. So I guess it does come down to a job. The problem now is getting one and holding onto it for a good while.

I can't tell if writing this is helping or not. These thoughts have come up again because my parents have promised more reprisals for me not having a job by now. I'm not looking forward to it. I know that if I leave my room tonight they'll pounce. I can hear them talking now and I think its about me. I could just be paranoid but I don't think so. They're worried about me I know but the way they present it, especially the way dad does it, makes me hate them for it.

sigh...my cat just showed up. I think i'll go invest some time and energy in him.