The Days Just Fill Up...

I've gone from empty weeks to pressed for time on all fronts in just under a weekend. My life is re-accelerating back to normal life levels. My class starts tomorrow, today was my first day at my new job(got a front end job at Target), and friends are disappearing back to college. Maybe i'm just not used to it since its been so long, but i'm not liking how this is working out so far. Its probably just cause i've been so lax lately. I'm resigning myself to hard workouts in class, long hours at work, and less social interaction with friends. But at the same time i'll be getting in better shape, making money, and meeting new people. Suddenly i'm reminded of a certain kiddy song... "I don't wanna grow up, i'm a blah blah you know the rest."

Dazed and Confused...

It feels like i've got a drunkard pulling my emotional strings at the moment. I don't think he knows what he's doing and I'm sure in no state to really deal with him at the moment. Right now all I can tell you is that his driving sucks and that i'm taking away his license if I ever manage to get him to stop. No more updates for a while; Not until I get my problems sorted out into something I can handle. Until then if you see a guy alternately crying his eyes out, cursing up a storm, and looking off into space in a daze, driving a 1984 clunker with oregon plates...please shoot out his tires and report him to the police. It would be much appreciated.

Current Music: Its All Been Done, Barenaked Ladies

In Rhapsody...

A little of what i'm feeling right now...

You...

You...

You...

are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you...
Without you...
-Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

...If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I?
When you won't take it from me

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way...
- Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac

It's too late to cry I love you.
The wind still blowing, my heart still aching

One side of my eyes see tomorrow,
And the other one see yesterday
I hope I could sleep in the cradle of your love, again

Cry for me, somebody, with dry eyes

The real folk blues
I just want to feel a real sorrow
It's not a bad life in the muddy river
If life is once

Hopeless hope, and the chance with traps
What is right, or wrong
It's like both sides of a coin

How long I must live till I release?

The real folk blues
I just want to feel a real pleasure
All that glitters is not gold
-The Real Folk Blues, Cowboy Bebop

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace...
-Beautiful Day, U2

...Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,
I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...
-Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

...Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
to get me to you

I had your number quite some time ago
Back when we were one
But I had to grow

Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now
Gotta get to you
Won't you tell me how

Call me, Call me
Let me know you are there
Call me, call me
I wanna know you still care
Come on now won't you
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
Reasons for living my life
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to know you
Peace of mind
what can I do
to get me to you...
-Call Me Call Me, Cowboy Bebop

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you...

...There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way...
-Everything I do, I do it for You, Bryan Adams

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference...
-Gotta Knock a Little Harder, Kanno Yoko

Untitled Sadness...(Impractical)

First of all i'd like to direct your attention back to my August 4th post titled "Out of Left Field". That should get you into the basic mind frame for the rest of this post...

Actually...I don't know where to start. I wrote a paragraph but then scrapped it. Then another couple lines. Those got scrapped too. Amazing what emotional shock will do to your writing abilites.

I'm not up for this tonight. I'm gonna turn on the melancholy music, close my eyes, and let the tears come. When I have it more together i'll let it out in writing.

Current Music: Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

Obligitory 9/11 Post...

I felt I needed to update and since its the 11th of september it gave me a perfect reason to spout words and stuff. Its hard to believe its been four years since the towers went down. I remember every detail of that morning. How I found out, how school was that day, etc. My generation finally has something along the same lines as Pearl Harbor to recall. I'm sure i'll start many a story like so... "I remember it like it was yesterday..." We'll be asked by kids and grandkids, if they bother to remember, and i'll be able to recount for them my little piece of significant history. I think I was kind of envious of those older folks who could recount where they were when Pearl was bombed or when they dropped the first A-bomb. It links them to history in a way nothing else can. Anyway...I'm babbling.

I played some great games of bowling last night, 4 in fact. Beat my competition every time. They put up a good fight though. But in so doing I missed the US opening of Naruto. For those of you who don't know its gonna be the new big thing in the american anime world. Think DBZ or Inu Yasha popularity. Thats how big its gonna get. Luckily I had someone tape it for me.

I'd also like to send a shout out to a couple of friends who've had birthdays or are about to have them. Two of them are in SOCAL and are probably raiding disneyland as I write. The other is probably still sleeping off his late night some where in Oregon City. Happy Birthday to all of you, even if you wish you weren't a year older.

My Conversation With Me...

Been a busy weekend for me. Between friends coming up from cali and a civil war weekend I can barely keep from sinking back into a dark corner and getting some 'me' time in. The social batteries need a serious recharge after the last couple of days. Probably would have been even more drained if I'd put forth the effort to get downtown for the last day of our local Anime convention. I did that last year but chose not to do it again because, like last time, I would have only caught the tail end of it. That and I have no money to spare for the admission or the loads of stuff i'd want to buy. Ah the life of a jobless college kid.

I really need to find something to take pride in. I've got a list. I already write, re-enact, and...um. Well I guess I take pride in my girlfriend too but I don't work on her the same way I work on the others. I need something to build or put energy in to. I've thought about taking up plastic modeling again but it needs to be something larger. A job would fill that nitch quite well but I haven't put nearly enough energy into getting one. I've tried kinda half heartedly. I'm almost scared of getting one I think. A job would mean responsiblity and things like that. I want one but don't...argh...I don't know what i'm saying any more. I'm kinda writing this off the hip. No forethought here. I'd rather put my energy into school but I can't do that because right now i'm limited to only a few credits because I personally have to pay for the classes. So I guess it does come down to a job. The problem now is getting one and holding onto it for a good while.

I can't tell if writing this is helping or not. These thoughts have come up again because my parents have promised more reprisals for me not having a job by now. I'm not looking forward to it. I know that if I leave my room tonight they'll pounce. I can hear them talking now and I think its about me. I could just be paranoid but I don't think so. They're worried about me I know but the way they present it, especially the way dad does it, makes me hate them for it.

sigh...my cat just showed up. I think i'll go invest some time and energy in him.

Why Do I Do This...?

No really...why am I writing a blog no one reads? I've gotten 2, count em 2, comments in the last month. Thats par for the course pretty much for the entire time i've been doin this. Maybe i'm too used to reading other blogs and seeing whole bunches of comments. Of course the one i'm thinking of is co-written by 4 people and they're pretty much the only ones who write comments on their blog. But thats beside the point. Am I just doing this so I can grumble and talk to myself? I can do that without touching a keyboard dang it! Sigh... I want to know if people other than Daphne ever read this junk. Even she barely comments though.

I'm pathetic.

Edit - It has now been a year since I started this. Sept 04 to Sept 05. Wow.

A Salute to the Finest Generation...

I spent the better part of a my late morning and early afternoon taking in the sights and experiences offered just across the border in Washington state. This year marking the sixieth year since the end of World War Two and with August 14th just behind us, that being the day Japan surrendered and the offical end of the war world wide, the good state of Washington put on a great celebration to ring in this historic year. There were fly ins and fly byes of some great military aircraft. Multiple re-enacting groups representing various units from the time period showed up. Great bands and music. Vets from all nations. It was pretty good. Nothing like participating in the 50th back in Hawaii but still good for the Northwest.

So I thought i'd raise my hand in Salute today in honor of all the people who served their countries, on both sides, during those years. I respect you more then any other generation before or after you. Not just because I have a love for your history, but because you are unique. America has never come together like it did for you and probably never will again. You showed what we could do when we were totally dedicated to a cause. People may think we got tough after 9/11 but that was nothing compared to the steel you showed the world after Pearl Harbor. The same goes for our allies.

But my respect also extends to those who fought on the loosing side. Your dedication to your countries was iron clad in ways we can only dream of. I cannot bring myself to mark you all as wrong for simply following orders or protecting your countries. Only a select few earn the bad marks in my book where the axis are concerned.

I wish we had more people like you today. My heart goes out to all of you, living and dead. You truely are the finest generation!

Poetry From the Bored...

Thought i'd take a breather from studies and let loose my mind to wander the halls of pointlessness and idle thought.
.
.
It didn't take me very long to get bored with that so I decided to come here.
.
.
And I just realized I don't have anything to write about. And knowing some people's dislike for random dribble (glares at the smker group) I have decided to dig up my old thoughts and poety book and pull out a classic.

.

"Five hundred miles.

It is all a long distance.

but never too far.

.

Alright enough. I return to my work now. But from now on I will be including one item from "If I were an Evil Emperor" at the end of every post. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

.

If I were an Evil Emperor... #12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

(stuck in a different poem because of the last one's length and overly religious nature. Thought i'd be more considerate for those of you who prefer not to read such things.)

A.D.D.? Hell Yeah...!

Well its been suspected for a long time now on my parents part. Mom especially since she's had to read up alot on it because of my brother. But now its finally been confirmed. I have a mild form of ADD, or attention deficite disorder. Basically it means I tend to be unfocused on tasks I dislike and tend to procrastinate and put stuff off, which is what i've been doing now for who knows how long. My mom became suspicious when she had my bro tested for it. From what she read it sounded like it fit me more then it did my brother. So she got me tested back in 8th or 9th grade and it was decided that I came close but merely had a hard time concentrating. But now, because of my lack of job-ness, my parents sent me off to talk to the same guy again, a shrink I guess, and the topic came around to ADD again. So we tested out again and it came up about the same. But when I started talkin about my problems with him he began to say it was sounding more and more like I actually DID have it. So we're taking steps to work with it. I'm getting a planner, setting unbreakable rules, getting a coach to help me with keeping on track, and so on. I don't want to use this as an excuse. I want my to strangle my problems to death and then burry them six feet under. I'm gonna need alot of help too. For those of you who read my fanfiction it'll mean I probably won't be updating as much, not that I update regularly anyway. For my friends it means i'm gonna be calling on you to push me along and deneying me things if needs be such as game time, get togethers, etc. But only if I can't prove that i've been following my schedual and doing what needs to be done.

So there it is people. One of the big reasons behind why I am like I am. If you've ever wondered why I seem to rush through things I dislike, say shopping (winks at Daphne), well now you know. I'll try better. I just need your help keeping me on track and on focus otherwise i'll . . . hey look, a beach!

OMG! Commando Squirrels Are Raiding My Strategic Cracker Reserves...

Hehehe . . . don't mind me people.

Go about your buisness.

Nothin to see here . . .

No you didn't see a squirrel with

a Squad Automatic Weapon just now.

No he's not taking all the food from the fridge.

*whisper* He doesn't like it when I talk about him.

err . . . I mean . . .

.

.

.

*bullets ripping into flesh noise*

.

hurk . . . bleh . . .

Out of Left Field...

What do you do when your world takes a blow below the belt?

What do you say when someone says the unthinkable?

What do you think when thoughts unthought before pummel your mind?

Do you take the hit and keep walking?

Do you respond in kind?

Do you let logic take control?

Or do you fall to the ground?

Remain speachless?

Let chaos reign among your thoughts?

+

It can be difficult some times to roll with the punches life throws at you.

They can come out of left field.

Throw you for a loop.

Hit you in a blind spot.

Or you can see them coming a mile away and simply be unable to dodge them.

It takes strength of will,

Toughness of character,

Faith in your friends, relatives, and religion,

To pull you through some of them.

But sometimes that doesn't cut it.

Sometimes you fall and don't get up.

Your will broken,

toughness out toughed,

and faith a shattered memory.

The breaking point that all are capable of.

I have yet to see anyone reach that point.

I pray I never do.

I have yet to reach that point myself.

And I pray I never do.

Recollections...

I just had a major desire to revisit my England trip pictures. It came out of no where. I dropped my game and just went back and looked at them, trying to visualize where I was for each and connect with those places again. Traveling alone for the first time, in Europe no less, really was a blast. Master of my own destiny and all. But now, with several months between me and the trip, i'm beginning to see how much of a fool I was. I'm smacking myself now because of all the stupid mistakes I made and all the chances I missed out on to further my experience. Don't get me wrong, I did a hell of a lot of stuff over there and got into the best shape of my life because of it, but there was so much I missed because I didn't think I had the time or the money. The time thing was mostly true except for an occasional day of laziness, but the money thing kept me from doing many things I wanted to do...most of which was in London. But now I know better. I'll be ready for my next solo sojourn when it happens.

Thought i'd share a picture before I got back to what I was doing. This is a self portrait of me looking out over Portsmouth Harbor and Spithead in the early morning. I went everywhere with that beret and camo jacket. I got lots of stares in some places and almost none in others. Portsmouth was my first stop on my south/southwest coast sweeping tour while Daphne finished her finals. One of the better sections of my trip in fact.

Brain Meltdown in Progress...

Sitting in a college common room for almost 6 hours strait reading about ancient history with no one around and only 2 quarters to play an arcade game with melts brain matter like nothing else. Its a unique experience filling your brain with ancient facts and feeling the stuff that went in just before floating out through your ears. I ended up looking, and probably feeling, just like those zombies I so despise on the bus home. You know em, those people who just don't look right with those vacant stares that keep connecting with your eyes whenever you chance a look up from whatever reading material you brought with you. The ones with the drool dribbling out the side of their mouths and the smell of rot and booze gushing out of their bodies. Yeah, those people. Considering I didn't find any drool pools anywhere on my cloths today I must not have gotten that bad. But it still feels like it.

Current Song: Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

Babysitting...And Stupid Parents...

Ok, its not really babysitting, but it feels like it. My brother has a couple of his little friends over for an anime day which means they need access to my collection. I happen to be very protective of my collection and i'm especially touchy about letting my brother get at it. He tends to steal and or lend out my stuff if he gets ahold of it which i've strickly forbidden him to do because of previous losses and damages he's caused. There are other reasons as well but we won't get into family politics here. So basically i've been forced to compromise. I get to sit around at home with them making sure they don't do anything stupid with my stuff and generally keeping them out of trouble for the parent people. Not that I have anything else to do today. I would happily stay around if I had the new Potter book to dive into but I don't. I could go get it today but if I wait my parents will get it for me and I won't pay a cent. (>^.^)> <(^.^<)

Studying is on the list today. So's job searching. Sigh...... I don't want to do either though. Maybe babysitting isn't so bad then. ; P

Edit: Gotta throw this in otherwise i'm gonna stew on it and stay mad for a long time. When I went over to England my parents raided my room. They cleaned, which was nice. They sorted, which wasn't completely needed but isn't bad. And they stole, which is why i'm so pissed right now.

I consider myself somewhat of a game geek. I've played the video games, traded the card games, and role played the RPGs. My parents haven't always liked what i've done but i've never seen it as totally bad. Its a fun past time and, unlike the people who have no life, I try to keep the damage these games cause to my normal life to a minimum. I've never gone whole hog on a game to the extent where I do nothing else but that game. (My former roomy is a case in point of someone who DID go whole hog) I just can't stand playing anything for too great a length of time.

Anyway...When I came home from my trip I found my room re-arranged and missing several things, namely my three dnd books, which I had thought safely stashed away. I didn't say anything to my parents about it, instead seeking the perfect time to pop the question, which I did about a week ago. I got very little response from them at the time. It boiled down to "I don't know what we did with them". Well tonight I brought the subject back up and it got alot more heated. Now I paid for these with my own money, hardly touched them when I wasn't using them in a game(which were extremely rare), and never let my parents even know I had them. They were doing no harm to anyone. Now let me ask you. Do you think it's ok for my parents to take them and then, when questioned and pushed, deny knowledge of their whereabouts and refuse to give them back or refund them?!? I sure the hell don't think its ok! I want my stinkin books back or at least some cash for compensation. In total I've paid $100 for all of them(they didn't get one) and i'd really like to at least be able to gain back some of that.

To quote a favorite webcomic..."Crap, Piss, Kill!" Thats about what i'm feelin like at this moment.

Another Long Weekend...

I just can't seem to get enough of these long weekend things. I spent the entire 4th of July weekend at a Civil War Re-enactment in 90 degree weather. Wearing wool and carrying a rifle increased said temperature by at least 10 degrees, minimum. But it was all worth it. I got to spend time doing something I enjoy with people I only get to see maybe four times a year. It was a blast but i'm payin for it now. My face is burnt and I acquired several spider bites. I also got a nasty blister or two. But thats the price you pay in this hobby so I don't really mind.

I started an Independent Study class today on Ancient History. I got the introductory lecture from the teacher and, most likely, won't see her again during the entire class due to the way I.S. classes are done. I haven't had much success with internet classes of this sort but this time its all book and i've already set up weekly work times that I plan on keeping. If I can't do this then I doubt my parents will ever help pay for school again. So it all rest on my output in this class. *Cross your fingers*

Current Song: Sarutobi, Naruto Volume 3

All Funned Out...

Wow, long weekend. I know birthday celebrations, especially 21st birthday celebrations, are supposed to be fun and all...but three days of fun is a bit much I think. And considering my endurance for such high intensity social interactions is limited because of my temperment I found it to be a great relief to finally call it quits last night. Don't get me wrong. I loved the time I got to spend with friends and all...but people like me have a more limited battery life for things of that nature. I woke up today and went to see friends off to the airport but after that was done I promptly went home and buried my nose in a new book until I was driven out of my chair by a combination of hunger and multiple phone calls. I should be out looking for a job today but I just can't seem to leave the house again for some reason. I think it's because my 'low battery' light is still on.

Note: This is not my birthday we're talking about here. Only Daphne could pull off planning three days of fun and get away with it.

Home Never Felt So...Homey...

Yeah i'm back. Its been a long three weeks but i'm back. And let it be known, England is cool and all...but i'm glad to be home. Oh have no doubt I could survive there just as well as I could here but America most certainly has some advantages over England. We drive normally, none of that "left side of the road" stuff for me. Too weird. I look one way but nearly get run over by a car from the other direction. Its just not natural. Everything's cheaper here. I'm tired of spending the equivilent of a buck fifty for a 99 cent cheeseburger at Mc'ds. You can just imagine how things progress from there. America has rootbeer... no more needs to be said on that topic. Roads are bigger here and lack round-a-bouts. The few times I travelled by car I was very uncomfortable about the closeness of passing cars and the insane speed at which drivers took round-a-bouts. Granted they do keep traffic moving but that's beside the point. There are more but i'll stop with just those.

But England does have some things going for it. Over 2000 years of "interesting" history to explore. Pubs and a lower drinking age, not that it mattered for me since I didn't drink anything. Better public transport...I love trains now by the way, and yet I spent a huge amount of time walking. *scratches head in confusion* I don't know how that worked exactly. Differences in culture and traditions. And best of all...Cornish Pasties!!! *drool*

Eh hem. Anyway. I'm glad to be home and i'm glad to have my girl back. Now comes the task of re-inserting her into life here and, on a similar note, getting my life back up and running again.

Now i'm off to indulge in some good old home cooking and a bit of anime before I have to go out into the world once more.

Fare Well to Home...

This will be the last entry i'll make before I leave for europe on tuesday morning. This last week has been incredibly stressful. I've been hopping from small job to small job, wrapping up travel arangements, hating my paper, and generally stressing out about various things. You've heard it all already. I've had to put aside favorite activies and friends to make this work and i'll be glad when I get back and am able to start it all back up again. I don't regret it. This is gonna be an awesome trip that'll live on in my memories as my first true world experience, not counting mexico or canada mind you. But i'm still not liking putting aside my lazy lifestyle to plan and execute a huge undertaking like this. Its always the prep that kills me, never the trip itself. Oh well...good bye for now. See you on the other side...

Current song = Goo Goo Dolls - Long Way Down (remix)

Blast From the Past...

Woot! I are back from da firstest re-enactment of der year. Loren ist tired, lots. But really, it was a decent start to the re-enacting season. "Mud"giver was as wet as it normally was, starting off with lightning and thunder storms on friday evening and working its way down to incredibly light drizzle just before we packed up today. I didn't fire a gun once this weekend, spending more time with my friends and involving myself in camplife. And while it was really not the best way to start out the season it was nice in its own, body and equipment soaking, way. The dancing, as always, was fun and sitting up around the company fire till 2am and being the oldest on there for the better part of the time has a certain charm that just can't be matched.

I look forward to the next far more though. My Daphne will be home to enjoy it with me, it being her first event in like 2 years! And i'll be doing it without my brother or dad out with me. They'll be speeding about Gettysburg at about the same time. If it wasn't for the fact that my brother was going i'd be really envious. Anyway, glad to be home and clean and dry once again.