Lost Innocence Resounding...

For some reason I woke up this morning with a desire to skim through my unsorted picture box. It quickly became a trip down memory lane. I basically ended up ignoring anything post Hawaii. Picking through my years there I kept coming up with pictures that jumped out at me. Pictures that had vivid memories attached to them, almost like watching a movie. And with each of them I kept remembering how I felt I was on top of the world, I felt like I was at my ultimate there, like I was as smart or as big or as happy as i'd ever be at that particular moment. I can't help but marvel at my utter innocence and child like faith in myself and my world. In particular I keep coming back to the idea that I knew i'd be living in Hawaii the rest of my life. It was all I remembered, all that i'd ever known and really cared for. It was my home and my love. It didn't matter if some other place was bigger or had more cool stuff, it could never replace Hawaii. And in a way thats still true. Hawaii is the golden paradise of my childhood and no matter how many times I go back there now and see it for what it really is, a crowded tourist trap, it will never wipe out my childhood love of the islands, but it will seperate me. And that pains me becuase now I know i'll never be able to enjoy it like I could back then. The love is still there but reality has risen up and built a wall around that love made of the harsh stuff that reality is. I've become jaded, of maybe its just enlightened. Whatever it is it has shut me off from regaining my lost golden paradise. And while i'm perfectly content with my life and home as it is I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have the golden paradise back again. If I had never moved would I still feel the same? I doubt it. It's questions like these that keep me coming back to my pictures. Questions like these that make me treasure that special time all the more.

Battlescars...

Rawr! Just got back from my Tai Kwon Do final. The only person this quarter to test for and pass for two belts. I'm now officially a Cho Rok Dee(green belt) of the Choi Tai Kwon Do school of Martial arts.

Honestly I was scared to death. Passing for green belt requires quite a few things. You have to know both the yellow and green belt poomse(forms/kata) which, if you don't know what forms are, are a series of moves designed to simulate taking on various attacks from every direction. They're my favorite part of the sport and I was totally ready for them. To test for each belt you must learn at least one new one as well as be able to repeat all your old ones. Higher belts often learn two or three new poomse to advance.

Also, each level comes with certain one step defensive moves that you must learn. Each is designed to respond to a basic punch or kick from your opponent. For instance; A3, one of the 9 you must know to pass to yellow belt, delivers a knife hand block to the opponents punching wrist while at the same time delivering a knife hand to their throats. Green belts add on 5 more one steps including two that require you to actually drop your opponent to the floor before delivering the final blow. Also a very fun part of the class.

Then of course there's your knowledge of the basic foot and hand attacks as well as all the blocks and stances required for the next belt. Fairly basic stuff. After that comes full contact sparring with two opponents of your level. You fight for 2 minutes using every kick, punch, or block you know of and are graded on your technique, not how many hits you land. Sparring is my weakest area honestly. I'm naturally more prone to defensive measures which means TKD isn't really my thing. It would suit me much more to take Aikido or Hapkido as those center on blocking or redirecting your opponents attacks. But thanks to two quarters of class i've become more bold and much more confidant in my offensive abilities.

Next comes a test on your vocabulary, which is all in korean. Difficult but not overly so. After hearing the teacher's instructions day after day in korean it gets well ingrained in your system. Unless you're not paying attention in class like alot of the white belts were. Many had a very difficult time answering correctly. Some were so far off the mark they were told to go sit down and wait to come back up and try again.

And finally there was breaking. This was the part I was scared about. For green belt and up you are required to break pine boards. Guys are required to break 3 and girls 2. Again as you move upwards your number of boards increases. This was the first time i'd broken boards and frankly it was easier then i'd imagined. It did take me a couple tries to break the board with my knife hand, its still hurting now, but my front kick and step side kick went through after only two tries each! Thats pretty good for someone completely new to breaking like I was.

I didn't come away without injuries though. I got a nasty 5 inch friction burn on my left arm during sparring from blocking a kick but with the fluids pumping like they were I didn't notice till nearly five minutes after the fact. I also knocked my left leg muscle pretty hard when I roundhouse kicked my opponent and he blocked. Gonna be walkin funny for a couple days. Then of course my right hand hurts because of the repeated attempts to break my first board.

But despite all that I came away with a B in the class and my 2 new belts. I'm so happy! I'm even thinking about taking another term of this. I must be crazy.

Dude, Where's my Ice Skates...?

Ever tried directing 25 shopping carts through a parking lot thats half coated in ice at 10pm? No? Didn't think so. You should try it some time. Heh, anyway, we here in the general Portland area have had our first cold front roll in and with it has come fun evenings at work. Seriously though, when your gloved hands try to stick to the bars of the cart corrals in the parking lot you know its cold. When the last five cars in the parking lot are literally creating a cloud of steam so dense that its tough to see through. When you spend five minutes tag teaming the ice thats built up on your windows and mirrors. When you go to open your car door and hear ominous cracking noises when the ice holding it closed snaps. And now they're saying it could be snowing tomorrow morning, the day I have to both go to class at 9 and be at work in the evening. Suddenly i'm doubting my ability to drive. I'm packing on more layers of clothing both to help with the cold and to make sure any accident I get in won't get me as banged up as it should. I must have been crazy to think working the parking lot during winter would be easy. Idiot.

Life and Death, Take Your Pick...

Wow...21 years. Hard to believe i've lived about a fourth of my life already. I'm now legal in all respects. (yes I tried a drink, no I didn't like it) But as far as birthdays go it was not that spectacular. Years from now when someone asks me what I did for my 21st birthday i'll be able to answer truthfully..."I went to a funeral, thats about it."

The whole funeral thing started on the 6th of November. My great great uncle, who i'd never seen before yet lived in the same general area as myself, died at the ripe old age of 98. He was a man of the church, having filled almost every major roll in the Adventist community during his long life time. A very powerful man and loved by many. We are connected through my dad's parents, my grandmother being the blood relation. Anyway, when it was announced he had died the family began making plans and decided, without my opinion of course, to hold the funeral on the 19th which just happened to be my birthday. My Grandfather was one of the major players in the planning and organization and yet failed to realize his blunder until they arrived in town. They laughed and said they were sorry and asked, more like demanded subtly, that my part of the family attend. My dad was already stuck as a pallbearer so we got dragged along for the ride. Needless to say it was boring but enlightening none the less. I don't want to be in a room with that many old people for a while though. I swear, every lady over 40 in that church had the same basic hairsyle. Adventist old people, all cast out of the same mold. *shudder*

The day ended on a better note. I got to have a movie night with friends and got some pretty nice swag, including a decent amount of cash, most of which was spent yesterday buying myself an iPod mini for a good price at work. The girlfriend found me a WW2 combat knife, a dvd or three were obtained through various sources, a new journal was aquired, a massive miliary history book was also procured, music of the soundtrack type was gotten, and last but not least a new set of bedroom slippers. Not bad at all considering my car was also part of the bargin. It just ended up being an early birthday present. I don't expect much for christmas. ;)

Revenge of the Sibling...

Well its that time of year again. The first of eight days of the year that my brother can stand tall and state proudly that he is four years younger then myself, not the usual five. His reign of slight olderness will end when I turn 21 on the 19th, taking the difference offically back to five years. Ah the joys of brothers. I surprised him after drama practice by picking him up and treating him to a fast food dinner and a $20 shopping spree at Hottopic...which was passed by in favor of Suncoast and the new Batman movie on dvd. Such a fickle boy. Bah...what are little brothers for? Certainly not to make sense.

Wheel Deals...

Well its happened. I am now the proud driver of a 1991 toyota camary. No more rainy bike rides to school or work. No more bumming rides off of friends, at least regularly. And no more relying on parents for day to day transport. Its a nice feeling. I finally have the freedom of wheels and now I've caught a glimpse of why it is people can be so obsessive about their cars. Its not a car to brag about. Its no frills white, no cd player, and its has it share of problems being as old as it is. It does have a V6 under the hood which gives it more umpf then any other car i've driven for any amount of time. But in its own special way its rapidly becoming a smile inducer for me. I'm working on a name for it(yes i'm naming it, no its not a boat, so sue me) and i've already begun customizing the interior. No major expenditures of money, just the basics like new floorpads, rear view mirror danglers of some sort, and seat covers. I'm sure i'll be writing more about it in the coming weeks and months but for now bed is calling. Its been an eventful day and I need sleep.

Maybe not from Venus, but Still Pretty Weird...

Well its been a busy week and boy am I glad its over. Worked monday through friday, got rained on heavily tues and thurs night, had a midterm, and generally wore myself out. It is such a blessing to sit down and not worry about work tomorrow. I can rest, relax, and get a little more Neon Genesis Evangelion watching in. Got my second check today as well, its been what i've pushed my self towards this week. Anyway...

Saw a very interesting play on wednesday. I'm sure Daphne will write something about it so i'll simply say that it was cool. But one little thing I want to hit on was something that happened just before the play. Daphne and I were the first ones into the theater so we got to see everyone else come in. About 10 minutes before the show started a man and two ladies came in and sat directly behind us. The ladies were chatting like they were old friends but the guy kept quiet. I of course, being bored, listened in. Suddenly, in mid conversation one of the ladies turned to the guy and said "Oh, this is (insert name here), I met her in line for the bathroom." The man said hello to the new bathroom aquaintance and the ladies then continued to talk. I for one wanted to sputter and laugh. Met her in line for the bathroom and already talkin like that?! Wow. I was struck once again how differently men and women are wired. Guys try their best to ignore each other and not make eye contact in the bathroom for fear that someone might think they were 'checkin them out' or something. Girls on the other hand apparently talk freely and even make friends in the bathroom. Simply amazing.

Life's Proverbial "Hidden Level"...

Its always interesting to find a friend in someone you've 'known' for a while. The people you see every other day at school. The person that hangs out in the same group as you but that you've never taken the time to know. One such friendship has been cultivated over the past week. A guy a year or so older then me that plays magic the gathering in the campus center of my local community college that I attend has suddenly jumped into my rapidly growing circle of new game friends. I've known his name only for a couple of weeks now but before then i've known him for his constant wearing of german combat camo and his love of high detail military action figures, the kind that come with every little bit of gear possible. We got into several discussions on guns/tanks/planes/etc and soon discovered we could carry on a conversation about any military topic far longer then any other person was willing to. He's probably the only other guy my age that I know that can rattle off as much inane military history knowledge as I can and honestly, its hella fun. Granted this isn't the kind of friendship that extends outside of school or the occasional game shop but its really quite a find for me. Its like unlocking the hidden passage in a game that leads you to a whole new 'secret level'. Maybe not on that same intensity level but it sure has some of the same feeling.

See This Look? It's Called Pain...

I have to be a glutton for punishment. Got the snot beat out of me in TKD again today. Thursdays are the day we do full contact sparring. Now I didn't join this class to learn how to fight as a sport, I joined for the physical and mental concentration that comes from learning your forms and staying in shape. Unfortunately for me the class is geared to prepare you for the twice a year tournys that they have here in oregon. They don't expect you to go but they prep you more for that then for self defense etc. Anyway...went up against the 2 highest belts in the class outside of the teacher and 2 of the top ten in the class. They left me with blisters, faint bruises, and a limp that still hasn't faded away. But it was a learning experience for me. Now I know to possition myself better in line so I can avoid the higher belts.

Should be getting my first paycheck tomorrow. After three weeks of work I really need a reminder of why i'm doing this. Over 300 dollars in my pocket will help remind me very well. It can't come soon enough. Yet it seems to already be burning a hole in my pocket. I've begun noticing more things that I think/feel I need. Most of them are just plain out stupid and won't get past the 'i wish' point but there are a few that need some more consideration. I intend to keep a tighter reign on my money now that i'll be pulling in more then i've ever gotten from one job.

The rain has returned to the Northwest after a very long dry summer. I've really missed the wet and dark. Gives me more of a reason to stay indoors. Plus it feeds that bit of melancholy and keeps it from getting out of hand. The comforters have appeared on beds, heavier clothing has pushed the light summer wear out of the way in my closet, and biking to work has begun to look less and less inviting. Thus my families increased interest in getting me a car. We're looking at several early to mid 90s hondas. I must admit that the idea of getting one is really getting to me now that there's actually a very real chance for one. Now every time I have to take the bus or use my bike when its cold or wet I end up telling myself that car can't come soon enough. Hopefully I won't have to wait much longer. Wonder what i'll name it...

To Be Lazy Once Again...

That's about what I feel like after today. Get up early, hitch a ride to class so I can nearly kill myself working out and get the stuffing beaten out of me by other students (Tae Kwon Do), take the bus home, do chores, eat a quick dinner, rush to work, work to close doing parts of my job for the first time, and finally stumble home at 10:30 so I can do my best impression of a puddle of human...stuff...in front of my computer. I really need to stop talkin bout work otherwise thats all my posts will become.

On the Fanfiction front...due to a certain traumatic experience a couple weeks ago I was put off writing while my mind tried to reboot. But now that the problem has been resolved I no longer have that excuse. Work and School, however, have easily taken up the load. Added to this I've hit something of a dry spell. I know where I want to go with my stories but I don't know how to fill in the small spaces at the moment. I've also had the recent problem of wanting to read more then write. But despite all this i'm gonna kick myself into gear and try to get something out for the sake of keeping people happy and appeasing my own desires. Look for something soon.

Current Music: One Night in Bangkok, Murray Head

Barely Worth the Update...

I head off to work again in about 20 minutes. 7 1/2 hours of work for me today. *shudder* That's almost more then what several of my friends get in one week. I already know my feet are gonna be hurting by the end of the day. I'm gonna be hungry too since I won't have any money to get dinner during my break. Gonna have to wait till next monday to get my first paycheck so i'm gonna have to pack a lunch till then. blarg...

Saw "Just Like Heaven" last night with Daphne. Oh yeah, I didn't say as much...but we're back together. A very confusing and painful affair but you've just gotta expect some speed bumps and potholes along the road of life. Anyway, the movie was pretty good. A little corny at times but i've also come to expect that from most chick flicks. Heheheh, but then you might be able to say that of some of the anime I watch. One thing's for sure, she's got leverage on me now since I was the one that suggested the movie. Oh well...gotta get dressed for work. I'm gonna get there early again, I just know it. But until I know the bus route and how long it takes me to get there i'm gonna leave early and just take a book to read if i'm early.

The Days Just Fill Up...

I've gone from empty weeks to pressed for time on all fronts in just under a weekend. My life is re-accelerating back to normal life levels. My class starts tomorrow, today was my first day at my new job(got a front end job at Target), and friends are disappearing back to college. Maybe i'm just not used to it since its been so long, but i'm not liking how this is working out so far. Its probably just cause i've been so lax lately. I'm resigning myself to hard workouts in class, long hours at work, and less social interaction with friends. But at the same time i'll be getting in better shape, making money, and meeting new people. Suddenly i'm reminded of a certain kiddy song... "I don't wanna grow up, i'm a blah blah you know the rest."

Dazed and Confused...

It feels like i've got a drunkard pulling my emotional strings at the moment. I don't think he knows what he's doing and I'm sure in no state to really deal with him at the moment. Right now all I can tell you is that his driving sucks and that i'm taking away his license if I ever manage to get him to stop. No more updates for a while; Not until I get my problems sorted out into something I can handle. Until then if you see a guy alternately crying his eyes out, cursing up a storm, and looking off into space in a daze, driving a 1984 clunker with oregon plates...please shoot out his tires and report him to the police. It would be much appreciated.

Current Music: Its All Been Done, Barenaked Ladies

In Rhapsody...

A little of what i'm feeling right now...

You...

You...

You...

are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you...
Without you...
-Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

...If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I?
When you won't take it from me

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way...
- Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac

It's too late to cry I love you.
The wind still blowing, my heart still aching

One side of my eyes see tomorrow,
And the other one see yesterday
I hope I could sleep in the cradle of your love, again

Cry for me, somebody, with dry eyes

The real folk blues
I just want to feel a real sorrow
It's not a bad life in the muddy river
If life is once

Hopeless hope, and the chance with traps
What is right, or wrong
It's like both sides of a coin

How long I must live till I release?

The real folk blues
I just want to feel a real pleasure
All that glitters is not gold
-The Real Folk Blues, Cowboy Bebop

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace...
-Beautiful Day, U2

...Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,
I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...
-Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

...Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
to get me to you

I had your number quite some time ago
Back when we were one
But I had to grow

Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now
Gotta get to you
Won't you tell me how

Call me, Call me
Let me know you are there
Call me, call me
I wanna know you still care
Come on now won't you
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
Reasons for living my life
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to know you
Peace of mind
what can I do
to get me to you...
-Call Me Call Me, Cowboy Bebop

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you...

...There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way...
-Everything I do, I do it for You, Bryan Adams

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference...
-Gotta Knock a Little Harder, Kanno Yoko

Untitled Sadness...(Impractical)

First of all i'd like to direct your attention back to my August 4th post titled "Out of Left Field". That should get you into the basic mind frame for the rest of this post...

Actually...I don't know where to start. I wrote a paragraph but then scrapped it. Then another couple lines. Those got scrapped too. Amazing what emotional shock will do to your writing abilites.

I'm not up for this tonight. I'm gonna turn on the melancholy music, close my eyes, and let the tears come. When I have it more together i'll let it out in writing.

Current Music: Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

Obligitory 9/11 Post...

I felt I needed to update and since its the 11th of september it gave me a perfect reason to spout words and stuff. Its hard to believe its been four years since the towers went down. I remember every detail of that morning. How I found out, how school was that day, etc. My generation finally has something along the same lines as Pearl Harbor to recall. I'm sure i'll start many a story like so... "I remember it like it was yesterday..." We'll be asked by kids and grandkids, if they bother to remember, and i'll be able to recount for them my little piece of significant history. I think I was kind of envious of those older folks who could recount where they were when Pearl was bombed or when they dropped the first A-bomb. It links them to history in a way nothing else can. Anyway...I'm babbling.

I played some great games of bowling last night, 4 in fact. Beat my competition every time. They put up a good fight though. But in so doing I missed the US opening of Naruto. For those of you who don't know its gonna be the new big thing in the american anime world. Think DBZ or Inu Yasha popularity. Thats how big its gonna get. Luckily I had someone tape it for me.

I'd also like to send a shout out to a couple of friends who've had birthdays or are about to have them. Two of them are in SOCAL and are probably raiding disneyland as I write. The other is probably still sleeping off his late night some where in Oregon City. Happy Birthday to all of you, even if you wish you weren't a year older.

My Conversation With Me...

Been a busy weekend for me. Between friends coming up from cali and a civil war weekend I can barely keep from sinking back into a dark corner and getting some 'me' time in. The social batteries need a serious recharge after the last couple of days. Probably would have been even more drained if I'd put forth the effort to get downtown for the last day of our local Anime convention. I did that last year but chose not to do it again because, like last time, I would have only caught the tail end of it. That and I have no money to spare for the admission or the loads of stuff i'd want to buy. Ah the life of a jobless college kid.

I really need to find something to take pride in. I've got a list. I already write, re-enact, and...um. Well I guess I take pride in my girlfriend too but I don't work on her the same way I work on the others. I need something to build or put energy in to. I've thought about taking up plastic modeling again but it needs to be something larger. A job would fill that nitch quite well but I haven't put nearly enough energy into getting one. I've tried kinda half heartedly. I'm almost scared of getting one I think. A job would mean responsiblity and things like that. I want one but don't...argh...I don't know what i'm saying any more. I'm kinda writing this off the hip. No forethought here. I'd rather put my energy into school but I can't do that because right now i'm limited to only a few credits because I personally have to pay for the classes. So I guess it does come down to a job. The problem now is getting one and holding onto it for a good while.

I can't tell if writing this is helping or not. These thoughts have come up again because my parents have promised more reprisals for me not having a job by now. I'm not looking forward to it. I know that if I leave my room tonight they'll pounce. I can hear them talking now and I think its about me. I could just be paranoid but I don't think so. They're worried about me I know but the way they present it, especially the way dad does it, makes me hate them for it.

sigh...my cat just showed up. I think i'll go invest some time and energy in him.

Why Do I Do This...?

No really...why am I writing a blog no one reads? I've gotten 2, count em 2, comments in the last month. Thats par for the course pretty much for the entire time i've been doin this. Maybe i'm too used to reading other blogs and seeing whole bunches of comments. Of course the one i'm thinking of is co-written by 4 people and they're pretty much the only ones who write comments on their blog. But thats beside the point. Am I just doing this so I can grumble and talk to myself? I can do that without touching a keyboard dang it! Sigh... I want to know if people other than Daphne ever read this junk. Even she barely comments though.

I'm pathetic.

Edit - It has now been a year since I started this. Sept 04 to Sept 05. Wow.

A Salute to the Finest Generation...

I spent the better part of a my late morning and early afternoon taking in the sights and experiences offered just across the border in Washington state. This year marking the sixieth year since the end of World War Two and with August 14th just behind us, that being the day Japan surrendered and the offical end of the war world wide, the good state of Washington put on a great celebration to ring in this historic year. There were fly ins and fly byes of some great military aircraft. Multiple re-enacting groups representing various units from the time period showed up. Great bands and music. Vets from all nations. It was pretty good. Nothing like participating in the 50th back in Hawaii but still good for the Northwest.

So I thought i'd raise my hand in Salute today in honor of all the people who served their countries, on both sides, during those years. I respect you more then any other generation before or after you. Not just because I have a love for your history, but because you are unique. America has never come together like it did for you and probably never will again. You showed what we could do when we were totally dedicated to a cause. People may think we got tough after 9/11 but that was nothing compared to the steel you showed the world after Pearl Harbor. The same goes for our allies.

But my respect also extends to those who fought on the loosing side. Your dedication to your countries was iron clad in ways we can only dream of. I cannot bring myself to mark you all as wrong for simply following orders or protecting your countries. Only a select few earn the bad marks in my book where the axis are concerned.

I wish we had more people like you today. My heart goes out to all of you, living and dead. You truely are the finest generation!

Poetry From the Bored...

Thought i'd take a breather from studies and let loose my mind to wander the halls of pointlessness and idle thought.
.
.
It didn't take me very long to get bored with that so I decided to come here.
.
.
And I just realized I don't have anything to write about. And knowing some people's dislike for random dribble (glares at the smker group) I have decided to dig up my old thoughts and poety book and pull out a classic.

.

"Five hundred miles.

It is all a long distance.

but never too far.

.

Alright enough. I return to my work now. But from now on I will be including one item from "If I were an Evil Emperor" at the end of every post. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

.

If I were an Evil Emperor... #12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

(stuck in a different poem because of the last one's length and overly religious nature. Thought i'd be more considerate for those of you who prefer not to read such things.)

A.D.D.? Hell Yeah...!

Well its been suspected for a long time now on my parents part. Mom especially since she's had to read up alot on it because of my brother. But now its finally been confirmed. I have a mild form of ADD, or attention deficite disorder. Basically it means I tend to be unfocused on tasks I dislike and tend to procrastinate and put stuff off, which is what i've been doing now for who knows how long. My mom became suspicious when she had my bro tested for it. From what she read it sounded like it fit me more then it did my brother. So she got me tested back in 8th or 9th grade and it was decided that I came close but merely had a hard time concentrating. But now, because of my lack of job-ness, my parents sent me off to talk to the same guy again, a shrink I guess, and the topic came around to ADD again. So we tested out again and it came up about the same. But when I started talkin about my problems with him he began to say it was sounding more and more like I actually DID have it. So we're taking steps to work with it. I'm getting a planner, setting unbreakable rules, getting a coach to help me with keeping on track, and so on. I don't want to use this as an excuse. I want my to strangle my problems to death and then burry them six feet under. I'm gonna need alot of help too. For those of you who read my fanfiction it'll mean I probably won't be updating as much, not that I update regularly anyway. For my friends it means i'm gonna be calling on you to push me along and deneying me things if needs be such as game time, get togethers, etc. But only if I can't prove that i've been following my schedual and doing what needs to be done.

So there it is people. One of the big reasons behind why I am like I am. If you've ever wondered why I seem to rush through things I dislike, say shopping (winks at Daphne), well now you know. I'll try better. I just need your help keeping me on track and on focus otherwise i'll . . . hey look, a beach!

OMG! Commando Squirrels Are Raiding My Strategic Cracker Reserves...

Hehehe . . . don't mind me people.

Go about your buisness.

Nothin to see here . . .

No you didn't see a squirrel with

a Squad Automatic Weapon just now.

No he's not taking all the food from the fridge.

*whisper* He doesn't like it when I talk about him.

err . . . I mean . . .

.

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*bullets ripping into flesh noise*

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hurk . . . bleh . . .

Out of Left Field...

What do you do when your world takes a blow below the belt?

What do you say when someone says the unthinkable?

What do you think when thoughts unthought before pummel your mind?

Do you take the hit and keep walking?

Do you respond in kind?

Do you let logic take control?

Or do you fall to the ground?

Remain speachless?

Let chaos reign among your thoughts?

+

It can be difficult some times to roll with the punches life throws at you.

They can come out of left field.

Throw you for a loop.

Hit you in a blind spot.

Or you can see them coming a mile away and simply be unable to dodge them.

It takes strength of will,

Toughness of character,

Faith in your friends, relatives, and religion,

To pull you through some of them.

But sometimes that doesn't cut it.

Sometimes you fall and don't get up.

Your will broken,

toughness out toughed,

and faith a shattered memory.

The breaking point that all are capable of.

I have yet to see anyone reach that point.

I pray I never do.

I have yet to reach that point myself.

And I pray I never do.

Recollections...

I just had a major desire to revisit my England trip pictures. It came out of no where. I dropped my game and just went back and looked at them, trying to visualize where I was for each and connect with those places again. Traveling alone for the first time, in Europe no less, really was a blast. Master of my own destiny and all. But now, with several months between me and the trip, i'm beginning to see how much of a fool I was. I'm smacking myself now because of all the stupid mistakes I made and all the chances I missed out on to further my experience. Don't get me wrong, I did a hell of a lot of stuff over there and got into the best shape of my life because of it, but there was so much I missed because I didn't think I had the time or the money. The time thing was mostly true except for an occasional day of laziness, but the money thing kept me from doing many things I wanted to do...most of which was in London. But now I know better. I'll be ready for my next solo sojourn when it happens.

Thought i'd share a picture before I got back to what I was doing. This is a self portrait of me looking out over Portsmouth Harbor and Spithead in the early morning. I went everywhere with that beret and camo jacket. I got lots of stares in some places and almost none in others. Portsmouth was my first stop on my south/southwest coast sweeping tour while Daphne finished her finals. One of the better sections of my trip in fact.

Brain Meltdown in Progress...

Sitting in a college common room for almost 6 hours strait reading about ancient history with no one around and only 2 quarters to play an arcade game with melts brain matter like nothing else. Its a unique experience filling your brain with ancient facts and feeling the stuff that went in just before floating out through your ears. I ended up looking, and probably feeling, just like those zombies I so despise on the bus home. You know em, those people who just don't look right with those vacant stares that keep connecting with your eyes whenever you chance a look up from whatever reading material you brought with you. The ones with the drool dribbling out the side of their mouths and the smell of rot and booze gushing out of their bodies. Yeah, those people. Considering I didn't find any drool pools anywhere on my cloths today I must not have gotten that bad. But it still feels like it.

Current Song: Days Go By, Dirty Vegas

Babysitting...And Stupid Parents...

Ok, its not really babysitting, but it feels like it. My brother has a couple of his little friends over for an anime day which means they need access to my collection. I happen to be very protective of my collection and i'm especially touchy about letting my brother get at it. He tends to steal and or lend out my stuff if he gets ahold of it which i've strickly forbidden him to do because of previous losses and damages he's caused. There are other reasons as well but we won't get into family politics here. So basically i've been forced to compromise. I get to sit around at home with them making sure they don't do anything stupid with my stuff and generally keeping them out of trouble for the parent people. Not that I have anything else to do today. I would happily stay around if I had the new Potter book to dive into but I don't. I could go get it today but if I wait my parents will get it for me and I won't pay a cent. (>^.^)> <(^.^<)

Studying is on the list today. So's job searching. Sigh...... I don't want to do either though. Maybe babysitting isn't so bad then. ; P

Edit: Gotta throw this in otherwise i'm gonna stew on it and stay mad for a long time. When I went over to England my parents raided my room. They cleaned, which was nice. They sorted, which wasn't completely needed but isn't bad. And they stole, which is why i'm so pissed right now.

I consider myself somewhat of a game geek. I've played the video games, traded the card games, and role played the RPGs. My parents haven't always liked what i've done but i've never seen it as totally bad. Its a fun past time and, unlike the people who have no life, I try to keep the damage these games cause to my normal life to a minimum. I've never gone whole hog on a game to the extent where I do nothing else but that game. (My former roomy is a case in point of someone who DID go whole hog) I just can't stand playing anything for too great a length of time.

Anyway...When I came home from my trip I found my room re-arranged and missing several things, namely my three dnd books, which I had thought safely stashed away. I didn't say anything to my parents about it, instead seeking the perfect time to pop the question, which I did about a week ago. I got very little response from them at the time. It boiled down to "I don't know what we did with them". Well tonight I brought the subject back up and it got alot more heated. Now I paid for these with my own money, hardly touched them when I wasn't using them in a game(which were extremely rare), and never let my parents even know I had them. They were doing no harm to anyone. Now let me ask you. Do you think it's ok for my parents to take them and then, when questioned and pushed, deny knowledge of their whereabouts and refuse to give them back or refund them?!? I sure the hell don't think its ok! I want my stinkin books back or at least some cash for compensation. In total I've paid $100 for all of them(they didn't get one) and i'd really like to at least be able to gain back some of that.

To quote a favorite webcomic..."Crap, Piss, Kill!" Thats about what i'm feelin like at this moment.

Another Long Weekend...

I just can't seem to get enough of these long weekend things. I spent the entire 4th of July weekend at a Civil War Re-enactment in 90 degree weather. Wearing wool and carrying a rifle increased said temperature by at least 10 degrees, minimum. But it was all worth it. I got to spend time doing something I enjoy with people I only get to see maybe four times a year. It was a blast but i'm payin for it now. My face is burnt and I acquired several spider bites. I also got a nasty blister or two. But thats the price you pay in this hobby so I don't really mind.

I started an Independent Study class today on Ancient History. I got the introductory lecture from the teacher and, most likely, won't see her again during the entire class due to the way I.S. classes are done. I haven't had much success with internet classes of this sort but this time its all book and i've already set up weekly work times that I plan on keeping. If I can't do this then I doubt my parents will ever help pay for school again. So it all rest on my output in this class. *Cross your fingers*

Current Song: Sarutobi, Naruto Volume 3

All Funned Out...

Wow, long weekend. I know birthday celebrations, especially 21st birthday celebrations, are supposed to be fun and all...but three days of fun is a bit much I think. And considering my endurance for such high intensity social interactions is limited because of my temperment I found it to be a great relief to finally call it quits last night. Don't get me wrong. I loved the time I got to spend with friends and all...but people like me have a more limited battery life for things of that nature. I woke up today and went to see friends off to the airport but after that was done I promptly went home and buried my nose in a new book until I was driven out of my chair by a combination of hunger and multiple phone calls. I should be out looking for a job today but I just can't seem to leave the house again for some reason. I think it's because my 'low battery' light is still on.

Note: This is not my birthday we're talking about here. Only Daphne could pull off planning three days of fun and get away with it.

Home Never Felt So...Homey...

Yeah i'm back. Its been a long three weeks but i'm back. And let it be known, England is cool and all...but i'm glad to be home. Oh have no doubt I could survive there just as well as I could here but America most certainly has some advantages over England. We drive normally, none of that "left side of the road" stuff for me. Too weird. I look one way but nearly get run over by a car from the other direction. Its just not natural. Everything's cheaper here. I'm tired of spending the equivilent of a buck fifty for a 99 cent cheeseburger at Mc'ds. You can just imagine how things progress from there. America has rootbeer... no more needs to be said on that topic. Roads are bigger here and lack round-a-bouts. The few times I travelled by car I was very uncomfortable about the closeness of passing cars and the insane speed at which drivers took round-a-bouts. Granted they do keep traffic moving but that's beside the point. There are more but i'll stop with just those.

But England does have some things going for it. Over 2000 years of "interesting" history to explore. Pubs and a lower drinking age, not that it mattered for me since I didn't drink anything. Better public transport...I love trains now by the way, and yet I spent a huge amount of time walking. *scratches head in confusion* I don't know how that worked exactly. Differences in culture and traditions. And best of all...Cornish Pasties!!! *drool*

Eh hem. Anyway. I'm glad to be home and i'm glad to have my girl back. Now comes the task of re-inserting her into life here and, on a similar note, getting my life back up and running again.

Now i'm off to indulge in some good old home cooking and a bit of anime before I have to go out into the world once more.

Fare Well to Home...

This will be the last entry i'll make before I leave for europe on tuesday morning. This last week has been incredibly stressful. I've been hopping from small job to small job, wrapping up travel arangements, hating my paper, and generally stressing out about various things. You've heard it all already. I've had to put aside favorite activies and friends to make this work and i'll be glad when I get back and am able to start it all back up again. I don't regret it. This is gonna be an awesome trip that'll live on in my memories as my first true world experience, not counting mexico or canada mind you. But i'm still not liking putting aside my lazy lifestyle to plan and execute a huge undertaking like this. Its always the prep that kills me, never the trip itself. Oh well...good bye for now. See you on the other side...

Current song = Goo Goo Dolls - Long Way Down (remix)

Blast From the Past...

Woot! I are back from da firstest re-enactment of der year. Loren ist tired, lots. But really, it was a decent start to the re-enacting season. "Mud"giver was as wet as it normally was, starting off with lightning and thunder storms on friday evening and working its way down to incredibly light drizzle just before we packed up today. I didn't fire a gun once this weekend, spending more time with my friends and involving myself in camplife. And while it was really not the best way to start out the season it was nice in its own, body and equipment soaking, way. The dancing, as always, was fun and sitting up around the company fire till 2am and being the oldest on there for the better part of the time has a certain charm that just can't be matched.

I look forward to the next far more though. My Daphne will be home to enjoy it with me, it being her first event in like 2 years! And i'll be doing it without my brother or dad out with me. They'll be speeding about Gettysburg at about the same time. If it wasn't for the fact that my brother was going i'd be really envious. Anyway, glad to be home and clean and dry once again.

Under Preasure...

When I thought that I needed to update my blog the title just popped into my head. It seems fitting though, I am under lots of preasure. And yes, to whoever knows what I get to listen to occasionally while in Washu's car you can make the connection to the title and snicker all you want.

Anyway, its crunch time again. I have less then two weeks before I hop a plane to England. In that time I have to finish two yard projects at different houses, possibly wash a monster motor home, finish or get really close to finishing my paper, and get everything squared away so I don't end up floundering when I get overseas. Its tough, I've only now forbidden myself from playing my games in my off time and the next thing to go will be fanfiction, though i'm finding that really difficult since I found a cool new story last night...I have it open in the other window right now ^^;. Oh yeah and on top of that my parents don't talk to me anymore, talking has been replaced by grumbling, complaining, and berating me in some way or another to get me to pick up the pace a bit. Aren't parents wonderful, especially when they feel the need to state the obvious every time they open their mouths at me.

Cheers...

Sealed Deal...

Its offical, I am going to europe. I bought the tickets meer hours ago. I chose the three week option and even managed to get the same flight back as my girlfriend and got a seat next to her for two of the three legs of the trip. (This is the point where you get up and dance a happy jig Daphne ;P) My combination of yard work, large vehicle washing, and pet sitting is earning me enough cash to get me there. Now all I have to do is continue to gain money and make sure I finish my paper before I leave or the day after I return. I'm aiming for the former. Happy day! Now excuse me while I go work the kinks from my body that 4 hours of hiking on saturday and 6 hours of yard work today have given me.

Green Thumb...

Well I have a job now... kinda. If you consider yard work a real job. It does pay but its for a friend of my mom so its kind of a bum job. The only thing is this families yard is massive and needs serious work so i'll be sticking around and cleaning it up at least through next week. I pulled a whole bunch of weeds today, enough to fill a wheelbarrow, and moved a butt load of rocks from one place to another...and thats barely scratching the surface of what needs to be done. I have at least two more days of weeding to do along with reshaping part of the yard, raking out moss, dishing out wood chips, trimming bushes, and planting new plants. I'm sure I probably missed something in that list, oh well.

But as one problem is solved another always rears its ugly head. The paper i've been working on is beginning to get the best of me. The 11+ page monster is digging in its heals and refusing to let me finish it. Not to mention the books i've checked out to help me are now at least a week overdue. The things I go through for education. *shakes head* I've got a little less then a month left to finish it in so i'm crossing my fingers and hoping that inspiration strikes hard. Plus i've got to start keeping myself away from my games and similar addictions just to make sure I get all I need to get done before my trip to England, which is still on by the way. Whether its two weeks or three I don't know yet but i'm hoping against hope its gonna be three.

Current Music: Raistlin & the Rose, by: Lake of Fire

Unproductive Break...

Break has been . . . uneventful. Or at least not filled with the sorts of things I had hoped to fill it with. I spent a good portion of the week job hunting. If I been hunting for food I would be dead by now. My latest swath of job applications has turned up nothing. The best tidbit having been Goodwill but so far I haven't heard a peep out of them when they promised to give me a call. And before you ask, yes i've called them back and no they haven't been able to give me any sign of a job. It's looking dismal at the moment but I really need one so i'm going to continue on.

Then there was the paper I am working on . . .

The pet sitting . . .

The brother sitting . . .

I remember spring break as being this wonderful adventure. A blessed breather from the duldrums of school that provided me with a whole week of adventures in the back woods and at the beach with my friends in hawaii. But about mid way through highschool it lost its wonder and just became an ok thing that sorta messed up my rythm. Now that i'm in college it has lost almost all of its charm. None of my friends are close enough to get to easily or they're out of state or country and I have no money to spend which cuts way back on interesting activities. The lack of motorized wheels and the presence of the first real rain this season has also severed my mobility. So i've pretty much sat in front of my computer this week and tried to keep myself occupied. It didn't work.

Now i'm kinda looking forward to starting my one class and finding a job. I'm wanting my brother back in school(which won't happen for another week, curse him) and wanting a bit of cash.

Hurry back to England and your computer and phone Daphne, I'm missing our our talks!

Reporting From the Front Lines...

"This is Valakun reporting to you live from HQ at the front lines. At 11:25 today our groundforces delivered the final attack on the dreaded 'Finals' forces. After a vicious hour long fight with the elite 'History' division the conflict was finally over."

"The war began last week wednesday when, in a surprise attack, the special 'Tae Kwon Do' regiment overran our troops positions in and around the gym. After rallying, our forces were able to drive the enemy back and secure victory. Our top generals spent the next few days mapping out their avenues of attack on the remaining enemy forces. After intense study and several 'Halo' exercises our troops were ready. With the aid of our allies, the infamous 'Washu Brigade', our troops were able to bulldoze through the most stubborn opposition, the 'Math SS'. The next evening another attack was launched, this time on the previously impregnible fortress of 'Geology'. After taking the fortress our troops regrouped and prepared for the final assault. In a blaze of gunfire and exploding history facts they stormed the last bastion. The enemy survivors were last seen running for the hills where they will likely continue resitance into next week. This is Valakun coming to you live from army HQ for channel two news."

Yeah thats right, finals are over and man am I ever glad. Now i've gotta go fight another war, and this time i'm not sure if i'll win. After all, battling for a job is alot harder then takin a test.

The Big Finish!...

Believe me when I say that this quarter is going to end with a bang. Trying to pack in as many projects and study periods as possible into my already busy week is not fun at all. Add to that various problems with friends, relatives, job searching, and future plans and you've got a bomb ready to blow. As always i've managed to put things off longer then they should have been put off and now i'm racing to finish them in time. Its a problem i've had for as long as I can remember, and while i've gotten better at dealing with it, last year helped alot, its still a problem I face every quarter. Of course this tends to get people angry with me for being lazy or junk like that but they just have to live with it. Its part of who I am and I don't think it'll ever fully go away.

As far as interesting things go I'm rather sort this month. The only interesting thing so far has been a martial arts tourny that I volunteered to help with this last saturday. While I could have competed I chose not to for fear of not knowing enough, but after the fact I wished I had. After seeing what some of the people did I knew I could have done better. I'll have to do it next year I guess. Oh well. Gotta go practice a bit more and do some homework before I head off to math.

Cooling Off...

Ok so things wrapped up nicely after my last post. I got my passport stuff taken care of in about 5 minutes and i'll have it in plenty of time. The valentines has been sent off again, this time free of charge because I brought in the shredded proof. Nice to see they will do something about it. This week has just been really weird. I can't pinpoint any one thing in particular but its things like today's government disaster scene that have sort of framed the week. I don't want to think about anything but this weekend at the moment. The next few weeks are gonna be hell and I really am tired of it all. So i'm gonna go cool off and ignore everything but the present. Sigh...

Isn't Government Great!?...

In the last few days I have had chance to discover just how badly the budget cuts and increases of spending in Iraq have hurt government run agencies in my area. For starters... Yesterday I went in to apply for a passport at city hall. I walked in and waited in line for five minutes before being able to talk to someone. She promptly told me that they no longer offered passport photos at this location and told me to go to walgreens about a mile away. She also told me that my fee's had to be paid by either a check or money order. Guess what I had...cash. So I went and got the pictures and am in the process of readying myself to return to city hall to try again. But feelings of discord reached a new high when I went out to get the mail not ten minutes ago. I discovered the valentines day card that I had sent to my girlfriend in England at the top of the stack of letters. The back had been torn open and then sealed with tape. Now I know government officals don't get paid much but are they really desperate enough to look through valentines cards for cash? Not that mine had any in it but still... And then there's the fact that i've been waiting multiple months now for a letter I was supposed to get from my friends down in Cali that contained collectable cards that i'd traded for. I sent my half off in time and they received it but theirs never reached me. They said they sent it but it ain't here. Grr...

Happy Valentines...

Kiss em if you got em boy and girls! Its Valentines day and if you're lucky enough to have a special someone in your life then give them a good kiss and thank the heavens for them. That's what i'm doing right now, minus the kiss of course since my Valentine is a continent and an ocean away. Forget the chocolates and flowers guys. Saying "I love you" should be all you need. But don't think you can get away with nothing all the time...
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@-->----
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So here's a rose for my Daphne. Sorry you can't dry this one out and hang it in your room dear.

Reality Sucks...

It is offical; Reality sucks! It's about as good as the gum you find stuck to the bottom of your shoes. There seems to be a universal law that applies to me now that I have started my life as a grown human being. Whenever something good happens in my life there will always be something bad nipping at its heals. For instance... Yesterday my mom and I had a discussion in which she suggested that I take Spring quarter off of school and visit England. We talked about it for hours and soon afterward I was online looking up things I would need to know for such a trip. I wasn't walking on air but it was close enough. Then, today, I got fired. Yeah thats right. I got let go because of one too many small mistakes. I get my last check on Wednesday and thats that.

So what now? Well I guess I pick myself up off my rear end, dust myself off, and go look for a new job. Considering how well my searches for jobs have gone in the past I doubt i'll have one for several weeks. Sigh.

Rock Anthem for Saving the World...

(Title has nothing to do with blog...its the song i'm listening to cause I couldn't think of a better title. ^^)

Beautiful day today. No clouds, sunny, not too cold... a perfect early spring day... but its not spring. Everything west of the Rocky Mts is in spring while the rest of the country's snowed in. At least thats what it seems like. Didn't get to enjoy alot of it though cause I had to work then go to school. The only contact I had with the sun was when I biked to and from work. Shrug.

You know what... I don't have anything to write about today. It's 10 pm and i'm bored. I should be doing homework but i'm not cause I can. Everyone else is asleep and i'm staring at a bright screen, plumbing the depths of the net as I do everyday. Pathetic...really pathetic.

Well at least i've got good music. (It's Halo)

Addicting Past-times...

I finally know the thrill that is Massive Multiplayer Online games. People have been trying to get me into them for years and i've resisted for several reasons. They're too expensive, too time consuming, too addictive, etc. But remove one of those obsticals, namely price, and add a unique game idea and you've got me hooked. The game itself is a recreation of world war two naval warfare. Basically you have a ship and you join a room with lots of other people and have a big fight. Of course you start out with a midget ship with pathetic guns but as you advance in levels you're able to obtain better ships as well as choose a nation. There's so much detail! Now I loath having to leave my computer...but the fact that my job brings in money and i've already paid for school is keeping me relatively safe from being totally consumed. Still my parents are grumbling at me about it but they haven't done anything major yet...like lock down my computer. ; )

Ice Ice Baby!...

Woohoo! The greater Portland area is iced in! I woke up this morning to find the roads covered, my windows encrusted, and the doors out of my house glued shut by ice. Then my dad presented me with the news that my work called and said they were going to close for today because of the weather. So I get a full day at home! No responsibility! Oh how I love snow and ice days... just wish this had been on a school day. I'll have time to play, to write, to do whatever! *Cackles evily at the thought*

Uninteresting Tidbits...(and a poem)

This week has been fairly dull unfortunatly. Aside from a large amount of emails from a certain someone and a rather nice 512mb Jumpdrive that my dad bought its been pretty dull this week. The new car is working nicely and none of my classes are giving serious trouble yet so there's really not much to talk about as far as events go. Sigh...There are days you just wish you hadn't gotten out of bed. This happens to be one of them.

It really is amazing how much a long anticipated email or letter can effect someone. How their words can bring back images and memories of faces unseen and laughs unheard for many a month. Filling in the holes in a patchwork image of a friend or lovers distant life. They are longed for, prayed for, and hoped for. And when they finally come there is an unmeasureable warmth that spreads through a person's body that can only be matched by waiting patiently for the next.

"There is no greater wonder than the way the

face of a young woman fits in a man's mind, and

stays there, and he could never tell you why, it

just seems it was the thing he wanted."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

New Car...

Just a quick update here. Parents paid for a new car today. For the few people who actually know me you'll be interested to know that it's a camary, just like ash's car only newer. In fact i'm almost certain it's identical to ash's mom's new car. I'll have to compare notes when I see it up close next time. Course I won't be driving this new wonder car anytime soon because my parents don't trust me. ; ) Just kidding.

Of Work and Upset Stomachs...

The week is over and I finally get to rest. And boy do I need it. Tae Kwon Do is gonna be EXTREME! I hurt all over from yesterday's class, and that was just from warm up and basics! I couldn't even finish training with everyone else cause I felt like I was gonna barf. What does that say about how fit I am? Argh!

Then there was work today and I had to ride my bike there in the rain and cold with aching muscles and slog through non-stop food orders and problems with the cashregister. And now I'm not sure if the stomach ache i'm sporting is a hold over from my workout yesterday or from some other malady. And then of course there's the fact that I haven't been getting enough sleep lately because school has upset my holiday sleep patterns and forced me to kick it back into high gear.

But thank God for weekends!

The Return of...School!

Yes School has returned! Whether thats a good thing or a bad thing i'll leave up to you. This quarter is going to be very very interesting. I managed to lighten my load slightly by dropping cultural anthropology in favor of a one credit Tae Qwon Do(sp) PE class. Still, it comes out to a nice 14 credits. I go to a math on mon/wed night from 6-830. Tues/Thurs are the packed ones just like last quarter. I start the day off at 9 with PE then go to history. I take an hour break then hit English. Then I have like a three and a half hour break before geology. So basically i'm at school on tues/thurs from 9 to 830! I don't even get to go home even though its like less then 10 minutes via car to home. Since I don't have a car i'm stuck at school. The good thing is there's a movie theater across the street with all the latest movies out. And when school really gets rolling i'll just spend my time in the library doing homework. So it actually works out really well.

The only bad thing about the return of "school" is that my free time suffers. While I can get away with less of it without too much harm, its what it does to my writing that really sucks. One of my favorite past times is writing fanfiction and i've already fallen behind in updates. But now that school's started again i'm gonna be even farther behind. Who knows when i'll get the time?! My readers are already complaining. Added to that is the fact that my english class is centered around a single massive research paper. Its gonna take up alot of time just doing that! Argh! But it's for the best I guess.

Oh, one more thing. I'm almost finished reading an incredible book by the name of Shogun. If you have any interest at all in ancient Japan then its a definite must read. I drool just thinking about it. See...*droooooollllll*

Saluting the New Year...

Rawr! Woot woot... and all that. A new year has begun and frankly...it doesn't look much different then the last one. ;) I spent the whole night playing games and junk with my friends and then stumbled home at seven in the morning so I could get six hours of sleep. Oh yeah, I work at five too. I don't think i've laughed as hard as I did last night in a very long time. The fact that the whole lower part of my face was sore is proof enough. If its not i'm sure I could lift up my shirt and find some bruises from all the laughing.

So what's happening in this new year? I've got some rough outlines and lots of ideas and hopes but nothing really solid. I know i'll be starting school up again come monday and I know i'll be continuing to work but thats about all i'm certain of. Oh yeah, i've also got to start paying for those repairs and price hikes my accidents caused. But i'll try not to let that last one get me down. This is going to be an exciting year i'm sure. Its not gonna be just another scratch on the wall. Hope it won't be for any of you either.

A Not So Great Christmas...

I'm back...and glad of it. Idaho was, how should I say it? Interesting? Thats not strong enough. Weird? Not good either. Dang annoying is probably better though I would use more potent words if I didn't want to be nice. My mood went sour about two days in to the trip and it still hasn't recovered. I locked myself in a windowless half bathroom for the better part of a day because my brother was being an idiot and my mom put her foot down and told me she'd call the cops if she got one more complaint from him about me, among various other things. I'm still not talking to her much but its getting better. But it kinda ruined the fun for the family. sigh... My grandfather got really harsh with me for the first time in my life and kicked me out of the bathroom when no one else could. It was just so shocking coming from him that I kinda just moved. It was our "white elephant" of the trip. There were other disappointments as well but I won't go into them.

There were a few good things though. The house was awesome, except that I couldn't find a quiet place to read whenever the tv was on cause it echoed throughout the house. It was on one of the east hills in boise and had one of the best views of the whole valley that you could ask for. And with clear skies almost the entire time we had some great sunsets and the night lights were impressive. Only snowed a bit the first morning we were there and it only stuck around for about an hour. But it was nice. My family got a new computer so now I have mine to myself. The only reason i'll use the new one is because it has a dvd burner. grr...wish I had one. It'll also be very nice to sleep in a real bed again because I was religated to the floor and a sleeping bag while there because there weren't enough beds. But my brother didn't get one either so that was ok. And I guess excepting the problems with tempers I enjoyed the time with my family. And joy of joys, I hardly heard any christmas music! I am so tired of the stuff!

PS - Hope you're having a fun time over there Daphne. Keep safe!

(Current music: "Never Surrender" from the Halo 2 Soundtrack)

Idaho Bound...

I'm taking a moment off from packing to type. My family is disappearing to Idaho for a week to celebrate christmas with my dad's side of the family. That means one aunt and uncle and a pair of grandparents. No cousins or other relatives on my dad's side, thats it. So it's not going to be a spectacular event this year, not that it ever is. The only thing I can really look forward to on this trip is the company and the scenery. Anyway... I won't be online for a week at least unless my uncle lets me get on his. I might be taking my dad's laptop so I can spend some time writing though. So happy holidays to all...i'll see you on the side.

PS - Have fun wandering around europe Daphne...wish I was there.

Across the Ocean part II...

"Laura Kissed Me"

Laura kissed me when we met,

jumping from the chair she sat in;

Time, you thief! who love to get

Sweets into you list, put that in:

Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,

Say that health and wealth have missed me,

Say I'm growing old, but add, -

Laura kissed me.

By: Leigh Hunt

(originally titled "Jenny Kissed Me")

Spiffy...

Just a quick update. I went downtown yesterday and got myself a spiffy new chinese kung fu type jacket. Black with roll up sleeves to show a bit of white. Frogged buttons and mandrin collar. Very nice. Just the perfect size for me. Its really spiffy ^^ I'll have to take a picture with me wearing it and get it online some how.

*Enter Suitable Witty Comment Here...*

Dare I say it? The quarter...*glances around to see if anything nasty is sneaking up on him*... is over. No don't yell, I don't want the illusion to vanish. I want to enjoy this a little bit more. Tests are out of the way finally and nothing more can be turned in. I managed to get most of my stuff in, emphasis on most there. I really need to stop doing this to myself. I haven't had a normal end of quarter since I was in my freshman year of high school. I need to break this bad habit. Anyway. The car situation is, well, its better then I thought it would be but not by much. Of course I still don't know the full extent of whats going on but i've heard my parents making plans of sorts for a new car. I do know a bit more about what i'll be paying though. At least 250 for each car is coming out of my pocket and I will more then likely be paying the new increase in insurance for who knows how long. Other expenses are yet to be divulged but i'm sure they're out there. With this news comes thoughts about Japan. I've found that I want to go but not for the reasons I thought I did. At least I think thats what i'm thinking. I think i'm being greedy here. The desire remains but I don't want to go through the hastle of planning it all out and putting out the effort to get there. Plus there are expenses and other such things. I want to be there now, be experiencing it now, be living it now, not slaving away to get there months and months from now. Grr...i'm being stupid I know, and lazy too. I'm trying to look at it from another angle and evaluate why I want to go or if I want to go. Who knows, I could just stay here and continue with school. Perish the thought!

F#cked...again!!!

My life has just taken one of the worse turns ever. Almost one week after I had a suburban put a kingsize dent in the rear end of my mom's van, closing the rear loading door until further notice, I managed to rammed into a stopped car on a wet road with my the other family car. Almost no damage to the other car, which is nice, and no one hurt on either side, which is nice too, but our car? Lets just say that it has trouble turning, opening the drivers door, and going anything above 20 miles an hour. Its a 95 corolla thats seen better days and as far as i'm concerned its not worth the fix since my dad has a habit of taking bad care of any care that is labeled as his. One good thing though, the lady I hit as turning into her home and was very nice to me and I to her. We got to know each other in the time it took for my dad to walk from home to the accident(5 or so blocks) and everything worked out very smoothly on her end. Now I just have to face my parents and the insurance people. Right now i'm really wanting not to drive again for about another year. Take me off the insurance cause i'm hating everything there is to hate about cars and the capitalist extorters that are attached to it all. Screw it, i'm riding my bike, even though its winter, or taking the bus, even though I hate it. These, of course, are just initial feelings as this just happened not more then 45 minutes ago. We'll see how I feel a day or so from now when things have cooled down and the results are in. But i'm not holding out for anything good.

Kinda Pointless...

Its nearly nine in the morning and i'm already of the belief that my day is being wasted here at school. My first class of the day was english. It was a first draft review day which means that only half the class shows up and only half of those will have drafts to review. I've never brought in a draft for review and i'm never asked to read them so i'm about as needed in that class as a bump is on a log. Next comes computer class which is well and truely done. All the tests have been taken and i'm content with my grade. So I have an hour and a half to kill. Next is history...ah history. All we have left in that class is the final which is next week. I don't think he'll go into more notes today but i'll show up anyway just in case. How can I say no to history? Then I have another hour to kill before my final class which is political science. Today we turn in our final, which I spent all day yesterday working on, and we can ask her any question on the subject that we want to. She's kept her political leanings very well hidden so that's top on my list. But beyond that we're free to go. Then I go home and sit around for a while before going to my evening math class. I really don't know what to expect from that class even after nearly 2 months of it. So basically my day is building to the point where I hand in my test in PS and go home. Then it begins building again until math. Like I said, a wasted day. ; )

With school winding down and the holidays approaching i'm beginning to think about the new year. With so many things happening in my life this new year will actually be one to remember. It will mark the 1/3 way point through school and show me that I can go nearly three months without seeing my girlfriend. If we can survive this long without too much trouble I have faith that we can get through the rest of the school year. And as this will be my 20th new year I am planning to make it one to remember. No there will be no drinking or anything of that sort, but there will be trouble I assure you. I think i'll ambush a couple of people on the trail or have an all night halo party or something. And before you say it, yes thats what I consider trouble. I know it leaves much to be desired but its good enough for me.

And speaking of ambushing... i've had a fasination with sneaking for most of my life. I would sneak snacks when at my grandmothers, sneak up on friends at school, or sneak bad grades past my parents. But lately i've had a strong desire to go to the next level. I don't exactly know what that entails. I've been eyeing darker clothing and authentic ninja boots if thats any indication. No i'm not planing on robbing someone, just that I want to up my sneakiness level. Kinda sounds like i'm trying to get enough experience points in dnd no? Oh well, its all pointless anyway. ; )

To the girl across the ocean...

"Night"

The night has a thousand eyes,

And the day but one;

Yet the light of the bright world dies

With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,

And the heart but one;

Yet the light of a whole life dies,

When love is done.

By: Francis William Bourdillon

Hanging On...

"Its almost over, its almost over, its almost over." I need to keep repeating that to myself otherwise I doubt i'll last through this next week. School is proving to be difficult and work is taking up alot of my free time that would be better used for school work. Also the remnants of sickness are still clinging to me and refusing to leave me be. So i'm hanging on...for the moment.

Now for some news from somewhere besides the battlefront. *pauses to think* You know, there is very little news beyond that. I have little time to play or do anything else constructive or interesting outside of the problem areas above. I miss the more care free days of youth already. When I could read for hours without risk to my grades or work. When I could go an entire weekend without touching my school books or even worrying about them. When sickness was greeted with joy because it meant a way to get away from school. But responsibility has crept up on me and clobbered me into submission. So much for youth. Course growing old is manditory, growing up is optional. ; )

Grr...cats are being stupid again. My cat, elvis, has claim to my bed at all times as far as i'm concerned. But our older family cat, the queen sheba, disagrees. She loves to jump up on the bed and scare my big boy away. It doesn't matter that he's twice the size of sheba and could easily whoop her if he wanted to, hes just too much of a weeine to stand up for himself. But now it seems that they've reached a comfortable balance. Sheba has taken the middle of the bed and Elvis is on one of the corners which is where he likes to sleep anyway. Lets just hope it lasts.

Now I must stop. The creatures in my stomach are growing increasingly angry that they haven't been fed yet this morning. So i'm off to make my peace with them at the breakfast table.

Not Cool...

Finals week is almost upon me, I have a mountain of things to do before the quarter ends and on top of all that homework I have my job. So what better way to greet the new week then with the flu?! I almost have no voice, i'm tired and ache all over, and I keep having to avoid sweets and instead replace them with pills. But hopefully things will resolve soon...if not my grades will most likely suffer.

Oh and did I mention? I put a dented my mom's van's back door when a suburban hit me. We were both trying to avoid some stupid kids who were walking in the middle of an apartment street. Needless to say the suburban got off with narry a nick. I on the other hand dented half of the door. It has trouble opening now. Looks like that birthday money's down the drain. *sigh*

But I don't want turkey...!

Its that time of year again...where we eat, and eat, and eat some more, until we're stuffed so full that no one, especially me, wants to look at roasted bird again for some time. Everything we eat here seems so bland now that i've gotten older yet I really don't want to add some unknown substance to my food to make it taste better. So i'm stuck eating the same bland stuff with, if i'm not away at college, the same people at the same location.

So what can I do to liven up my holiday menu? I've got a few ideas, mostly dealing with food nabbed from the chinese take out I work at. I could pour some firecracker chicken sauce or some honey teriaki sauce on the turket to liven it up. Instead of uber-heavy weight stuffing I could secretly stuff the insides of the bird with fried rice....or I could just bring some root beer to wash away the bland taste. *sigh*

A side note to any of you who bother to read my fanfiction. (I doubt there's more then one out there) I will update here shortly, probably during this break if I can spare the time between family, homework, work, and...turkey. I know its been a long time, probably something like 2 months, but blame that on school and work, not me.

20 Somthin...

*Waves little flags and grins stupidly* Well it's happened. I'm officially out of my teenage years. Course being a twenty something isn't much better. We're supposedly adults but we're pretty much ignored still. Twenty is a magic number. It's more improtant to me then twenty one. It signifies i've lived a fifth of a century, probably a third of my life! Time sure does fly.

So what do I get to do on my special day of days you ask. Well I go to work at noon if that's any indication. Not really all the special "event" wise as far as I can see. Kinda sad when the only people who are gonna celebrate with you is your immediate family. No cake, no ice cream, just dinner. So much for childhood. Now I have to get serious and grab life by the throat so I can begin slaving away for the riches i'll never get. Stupid capitalist system! Happy Birthday to me...now i'm gonna go eat some pancakes and take a shower.

Not the Best of Starts...

So far this week hasn't been the best. I've missed assignments, gotten scolded at work for a supposed "attitude", gotten into a fight with my mom, etc. I won't keep listing them. Needless to say that I am having a bumber or a birthday week. Course everything could change by friday. Who knows? SO...to make up for these ugly spots i've buried myself in homework and fanfiction. It really helps to be able to read great fanfiction when i'm feeling a little low or between homework assignments, the same goes for a good anime episode or manga novel though i've got very few that I haven't already watched or read a million times before. A very few manage to retain their incredible appeal through the months and years. For example, I can dive into Tenchi Muyo the movie or SM and still get a warm feeling in my stomach and find a lightness in my chest afterwards. Course the same is true when i'm able to converse with my special someone. The fact that that person usually calls when i'm barely awake is a little bit of a problem but I find it to be one of their more indearing traits. And if that special someone is reading this I expect a wake up call on friday morning so I can start that special day right. *hint hint*

The Stupidity...It CONTINUES!!!

I probably did one of the stupidest things I could have done on a Monday night just last night. I willingly stayed up standing in a line in an otherwise deserted mall waiting for Halo 2 to come out at midnight. I then proceeded to play said game until 2am before finally returning home and retiring to my bed for a grand total of four hours of sleep. (Anyone who knows me knows I can barely function if I have less then 6 or 7 hours of sleep) I have to get up at 6:30 every tuesday and thursday for school. Well I think you can guess how much I paid attention in classes. My first class was, oddly enouogh, English commosition and critical thinking...at 7:30! I then had a test in my computer class, slept through history, which is my favorite subject, and then spent the next hour cat napping in the library. Still feeling low I proceeded to find my final teacher before class and explained the situation. She eventually let me hand in my take home test, which was due today, and take the day off.

Now i'm back home and wondering if I should play some halo before I have to go to math at 6pm this evening. Hopefully by the end of this week i'll be so full of that game that i'll be able to concentrate again on what matters more. Considering I have no more classes this week due to Veteran's day and only eight or nine hours of work before the weekend I think i'll have ample time to indulge in some gaming.

OMG!...Gasp...

I have just seen some of the single most highly anticipated minute and forty seconds of film ever. The preview for Star Wars Episode Three has finally been shown. *Wait for it...let it sink in...ok. Now you can scream* For those of you frantically wondering where to see this you'll have to go take a gander at "The Incredibles" or spend thirty minutes desperately searching the net. I leave you now so I can go drool over every frame

The Hangover...

With elections done and gone I am left with what I have to guess is something like a hangover. There are no longer any signs out on the streets, no advertisements on the tv, radio, or internet, and no people pushing their parties ideals on me or reminding me to vote anymore. Its been such a part of my life for the past three months that i'm having trouble adjusting to NOT having them in my life. I feel dazed and slightly out of whack with this sudden change. This proves yet again that the mass media has far too much control over our lives. If they can leave me feeling like this then i'd say they're a pretty strong influence even on someone who went out of his way to avoid watching tv and listening to the radio for the last month.

Now for something completely different... We've had an odd lull in the weather here. Fall usually signals the beginning of none stop rain here in oregon yet we have gone without now for two days and will probably continue on this trend for a further two. So without rain what is there? My answer...some of the most beautiful days i've ever seen here. The air has never been so crisp and clear. No clouds inhibit my view of the sky above. Yesterday I was riding my bike home from classes when I turned a corner and was confronted with an unobstructed view of my local mountain, Mt Hood. All ready it has a thick coat of white and the sight of it literally made me almost miss my turn. Of course the downside to this is that you cannot go outside for most of the day without at least two or three layers of clothing on. No clouds mean no way to keep the heat in so it has been impossibly cold. I woke up this morning to find the grass and roofs of my neighborhood were frostcovered! Needless to say riding my bike is becoming very difficult as my ears, fingers, and nose are going numb moments after I set off. And thats with beenie, gloves, and muffler on! Clouds of steam rise from my mouth in clouds so thick i might as well be smoking. I've walked past regular smoker groups at school and seen the clouds they emit but on closer inspection found not even a single cigarette among them. I wonder if they still think they're smoking...?

The Big Night...

Argh...As I write Ohio is hovering at 93% complete. The waiting is getting really...annoying. I guess thats the only word for it. Yet again one state has managed to become the make or break prize. Its really sad. But which ever way it goes I can complain with authority...unlike any who chose not to vote. You don't participate you don't have the right to complain. Going to a community college really does bring in all sorts of interesting perspectives. Some of them quite scary. And since i've discovered i'm an ardent supporter of democratic socialism i've become somewhat detached from the whole big argument. After all, the greens aren't gonna win. More at a later date when everything has been decided...which probably means a week at the least.

Cloud 9...

"Good afternoon, this is the captain speaking from up on the flight deck. We've just leveled off at our crusing altitude of 10,000 blissful thoughts. Our flight time is currently unknown which really doesn't matter at this point. It looks like smooth sailing from here on out so kick back and enjoy the ride. If you look to your left you'll see cloud nine there below us with a beautiful red headed angel perched atop it. I think she's waving to us folks. Well that's the news from the flight deck, we'll be starting lunch here shortly. Please feel free to move about the cabin."

I won't go into details but sufice it to say love is in the air once again and the world is better for it. *Grin* Not even the constant rain my area is getting now can seriously get me down. Hmm...that reminds me. I need to get out there at some point when it's really pouring and dance a bit then take a hot shower. Don't want to get sick!

Oddly enough i'll be dressing as a fallen angel this halloween. Up until a day ago I thought it was perfect. I needed to try something new and I had peices of the costume already here because of another costume idea I was working on for cosplay. But now I don't know if I can pull it off. Fallen angels aren't supposed to be cheery and have little hearts floating around in the air above them. *snicker*

Money Calculations...

With my fifth day of work done and my sixth tomorrow I've begun to become conscience of the monitary possiblities of this particular job. I have figured out that by the end of this sunday that I will have worked close to 40 hours since starting last friday and that I will make more then 300 dollars by next thursday when my first check is cut. Of course there's taxes to consider but all in all that will be the largest clump of change i've ever made from one check from anything, be it job or birthday. And i'm still in training! Once my three weeks of training are through I will be able to get tips like the regulars who make, on average, 8 more dollars a day just from customers being nice. When I worked sunday the four people who could get tips got 15 dollars extra in just two hours! I have, of course, dreamed of such things...but to actually have it happening when I don't have to worry about bills or other obligations, besides paying off a class I told my mom I would pay for at my local cc, is blowing my little mind. If things continue as they are within six weeks I can have over a thousand dollars saved up! Someone hit me now!

Just Sittin

Its Saturday afternoon and I have very little to do, or at least that I really feel like doing. It's just one of those days where you're not sure if time has stopped or not. It would explain a lot if time had given up and taken a breather and had a mocca. Course if time did that I wouldn't like him much for a while cause his breath would reek of coffee which would be nice since I kinda hate time already as is. He never moves fast enough when I want him to and whenever I want him to slow down he just sticks his tongue out at me and goes faster. You know the drill.

Well I did finally get a job. I'm workin an asian take out downtown. It's pretty cool. The funny thing is that the next day I got a call from Costco asking if i'd like to be hired AND I got my last check from the place I worked last. Strange no?

Well i'm off to see if I can't make these next few hours stretch a bit. I'm not ready to go off to work yet. *grin*

A Sweet Melody...

"Kiss me and smile for me,

tell me that you'll wait for me,

Hold me like you'll never let me go."

.

I've had this bit of John Denver rolling around in my head lately. It seems somehow fitting with my current situation. I'm not one to listen to "country" music so I, along with a good number of other people, consider Mr. Denver's works to be "Popular Folk" music, not country.

.

Weekend worries seem worse then weekday worries. Is it becuase weekends are supposed to be care free that worries hit you so hard? Or is it just because you're not so busy thinking about other things that they pounce on you? Who knows?

The Blues

School sucks. Let me just get that out there. Life has really sped back up now that school is in the picture. Now if I could only get a job...

The blues have settled in on me over the past couple of days. For various reasons, some outside my control, things have been going sour lately. Homework, late school books, and other varied troubles have all added to the gloominess of the week. The plus side to it is that it gets my creative juices flowing. I tend to write better when i'm in these kinds of moods. Maybe it's just because I can tap into feelings better or something like that. Those of you who have followed any of my fanfiction online know this fairly well. I could even say I like these moods. It's nice to drop into one every now and then. They've tappered off in the last few years as i've gotten more friends and have increased my social life so I find i'm enjoying them more and more now that they're not as regular. Who would've guessed?

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - NP