I wonder how long it would take people to react if I posted something disturbingly out there or blatantly offensive here? Maybe it's just the mood i'm in or maybe it's the recent push to "grow up" (i'm looking at you newlyweds) that's causing this but I've begun to feel like continuing this blog is a pointless waste of time. Time that could be better spent partaking in other past times that are pointless wastes of time. It's like everything I enjoy, all my games, stories, friends, etc, have suddenly lost every ounce of pleasure I used to find in them. Pleasure that is being stomped out under the vicious steel-toed boots of life, work, and time. Part of me is saying "It's the natural progression of things. You're 22, you have a woman to marry, school to finish, and a new chapter of life to live. So get on with it."
Then there's another part of me that says "Dammit I'm not done being a kid yet! Don't give me more responsibility! I don't want it! I DON'T WANNA GROW UP!!!"
You know how young kids pretend to be older and more "grown up" then they are? I think I took that too far. I was always the one that sat inside during the lunch hour. I was the one that didn't like team sports. I was the one that all the adults felt was the most responsible of my peer group. Granted part of that is because of my naturally mellow, melancholy nature and part of it is the way my parents brought me up. I played by myself for the most part during my early years, with the exception being one friend that eventually betrayed me in favor of the "cooler" crowd. Even once I found good friends, the three stooges that I'll call the "H" brothers, I only really played on the weekend since none of them went to the same school as me, or were even in the same grade. So my real play time got cut down and condensed to one or maybe two days a week, if I was lucky.
Then I moved here. Everything here seemed so quiet and uptight compared to the casual friendly atmosphere of Hawaii. My grown up face got more and more use. I didn't partake in most of the early and mid teen rowdiness. I stayed off to the side and didn't embarrass myself like the rest of the guys. When I did make good friends here they ended up being girls for the most part. This, of course, meant acting differently then I would with guy friends(for the most part) and learning to have a new kind of fun.
But then, during Freshman year of college, I found my first mainland guy group. It was all guys pretty much all the time. And the best part about it was I got to see and interact with them almost every day. We played games and did guy things and I felt connected like I had with the "H"s but in a much more tightly knit way. I didn't return to the same school second year and I had to leave them behind. Then I found a third group, my current group, at my new school. This group was bigger and more diverse then either of my previous groups. I saw them almost daily and really let my "guy" get some much needed time. But by then I was actually expected to act grown up. I was expected to be an adult and suddenly all that time acting it came back and bit me in the ass. They thought I was already there, that I was mature and ready to move on. When in actuality I was just hitting my stride with my inner kid.
As proof that this bugs me more then I'll probably admit I present my two most common reoccurring dreams. Both deal with returning to my previous group of friends, the "H" brothers and my Freshman year group. Each time I go back as I am now. I see the changes that have taken place in my absence and try to pick up where I left off with my friends. The only problem is that they've gone and moved on without me. They've grown up and I haven't. This actually happened when I last went back to Hawaii. I looked up the "H"s and found that none of them did any of our old things any more. It was a real blow to me. It was proof that you can never return to what you left since what you left will never be the same.
Now look at what i've done. I've gone and spilled my guts, probably forgetting half of what I wanted to say and probably twisting the rest beyond what it used to mean. I should be responsible now and go fill out another job application. I don't want to though. I've been doing that all morning and after what i've just written I don't think i'm in the mood for much of anything. Yeah it's a pity rant. A poor me blurb that finally blew its way out from under my "grown up" top. I doubt this will be reassuring to Ande in any way. I've kept her hanging for five years and it looks like it'll be at least another year before we tie the knot. I know she hates it and I know I hate it too. I just hope she'll understand that her future husband may, at times, disappear to be a kid again.
